In his own words: a year in the life of Dave

by Stephen Tall on December 3, 2006

Dear Mom & Pops,

Well, what a whizzo 2006! I know you were a bit iffy when I decided I wanted to try being Tory leader for a year (too young – as if!), but it’s such a lark!!

Everyone thought I’d be really nervous to begin with, but I wasn’t. It’s a question of upbringing, really. (Or of ‘good breeding’, as we used to be able to say!!). As you always told me, Mom: “You’re better than any of them, Davey, and don’t you forget it.” Some of us are just born to rule. And though it can be the most frightful bore – meeting ordinary people and pretending to listen to their tedious complaints – it can be jolly good fun too (like when I gate-crashed those vulgar Beckhams’ party!).

And you’ll never believe this – I’m actually bicycling to work!! Not every day, obviously. But whenever there’s a camera crew about, I just hop on my bike, and there I am on the television news!

Of course, some dismal Johnnies decided to make a fuss about Tompkins following me in the car with my shined shoes and pressed shirt! What would they rather I do? Throw the man out onto the street just because he’s polluting the planet while I’m saving it? Anyway, how long have the Tompkinses been in service? Good help is so hard to find!!

And, of course, the silly chump came a cropper with that ghastly Farepak misfortune one reads about in the FT. One’s heart really does go out to these chaps. I know how livid I’d be if Fortnum’s failed to deliver our Crimbo hamper in good time.

The travelling has been really interesting, but so exhausting. I’ve been to lots of hot countries whose natives appear to be suffering dreadfully – even though it’s really sunny!! (Do you remember when Uncle Jamie and Auntie Caroline returned from their safari in a terrible tizzy because their luggage was mislaid, and vowed never to return to “that ungrateful and godforsaken dustbowl of tinpot former colonies!”?)

I think that simply by being there I was able to help those poor people. At least now they know it’s perfectly possible to be rich, successful and happy – after all, if I can be, anybody can!!

And then of course there was my jaunt to the Arctic, when a load of us flew out to show how destructive is ‘global warming’. It was really sunny there, too – though in a cold way! There are some who get terribly gloomy about the threat of climate change. But not me! Because wherever you look around this thawing tundra you see the shoots of ‘green growth’ – just the sort of thing we Conservatives should be encouraging!

I have to admit, though, all that snow reminded me of my university days!! But don’t worry, I’ve put all that behind me now. (Honest!)

Speaking of which, I’m a little worried about Gideon (he hates it when I call him that!! “But Gideon,” I say, “Gideon’s your real name, not George.” He knows I’m just teasing!). I know you asked me to look after him – and I am doing – but he’s ever so young, and often seems a little lost. Some of the other boys pick on him just because he’s got a squeaky voice (it’s actually quite funny when you listen to it, but Gid would be so upset if he knew I’d told you that!).

There’s this older boy, Gordon, who really hates Gid just because Gid told the other boys that Gordon had been stealing from them for years. Gordon was furious because he used to be really popular. But then we all noticed that he’d been pick-pocketing our tuck money without us noticing – and then offering to share his tuck with us!! The worst thing was we all wanted to buy chocolate (though not chocolate oranges – bleugh!), but we ended up eating his curled-up, corned-beef sandwiches… and feeling grateful to him! What a swizz!!

Money can be a bit tight – who’d have thought organising a party could be so expensive?! But I was chuffed to bits that the lads all had a whip-round, and chipped in with £35 million – and all they asked in return was that I get them into this club I know (called the House of Lords – Pops would love it, exactly his scene!).

The party (or ‘happening’, as I re-branded it!) was just swell until the police arrived. But, fortunately, they seemed more interested in this other bunch of lads, who were also hanging round the club, and really are rather rough. Very non-U. Except for their ‘ring-leader’, Tony, who’s awfully nice. Even you’d like him!! He must have just fallen in with the wrong crowd.

Don’t worry about me, though. Kudos to you both: you told me to get a job before I went ‘gapping’, and my internship at Carlton was just peachy. The money I earned there paid for this year (and I’ve still got a little left over!), and it’s good to know I can go back there as soon as I get bored. So much better than working for some dreary supermarket (like that oik Archie Norman!!).

Anyway, I must sign off. The film crew has just arrived ready for my next spontaneous Webcameron thingy, and it always takes an age to set up (what with the make-up girls, set-designers, ‘gaffer’, floor producer, and so on). But I love it! Becoming leader of Cameron’s Conservatives is the perfect prep for a career in the media!!

Love to y’all, and don’t forget to keep it real!!

Dave xxx